HERE ARE FIVE STRATEGIES TO HELP YOUR CAUSE:

IF you are reading this post for solutions, the first thing I would like to say to you is… SORRY. I am so sorry that you are experiencing the pain of not having your partner by your side. I hope I can contribute to your future success.

The first thing to consider is a non-negotiable mission to discover why the two of you are not together.

Why is This Important?

If you do not understand the unhealthy component(s) of the relationship dynamic which you brought to the relationship, you can forget about getting your partner back. And second, you will take that same dynamic into your next relationship(s). You will most likely be right back where you started.

However, if you really want your partner back, you will have to, ‘put a place-holder on your pain’ and come back to it later, because you have work to do. You might say, wait a minute, Dennis, “my partner has a lot of work to do too”.

Well, I am sure you’re right. In fact, It does take two for a relationship to work, or not workout. For now, you can only focus on yourself until you get them back!

DISCOVER WHY YOU ARE NOT TOGETHER?

Unfortunately, ‘a single act’ did not bring you to this point—neither is it a second or a third incident. Try not to determine the reason you separated based on your own conclusions.

Instead, contemplate and ask yourself, “Is there something more that I am not quite seeing.” Speaking as a Therapist, it is always an unhealthy pattern that gradually wears down the relationship.

Yes, there may have been an incident or issue that finally broke the camel’s back, but I invite you to move away from thinking it was a single act that made this happen. And yes, even when there is cheating.

Here are a couple examples of unhealthy patterns that can be absolute time bombs waiting to explode if not addressed.

Emotional Independence:

This pattern comprises one partner believing they can get the love they want if they can just please their partner and make them happy. They rarely bring up their own needs, or they bend over backwards doing things their partner wants. But this makes them miserable, just to get the love that they need and want. What they are doing is not un-healthy, but this practice leads to pain and loneliness.

Engager/Dis-Engager:

Many couples assume roles in their relationship as either engager or disengager. There are couples that do well in managing this dynamic, but when it becomes unhealthy, things go bad.

It often starts with the Disengagers lazy-fair approach to the relationship. The Engager will naturally work to encourage engagement with the Disengager.

If the Disengager persists and will not work on being more present, it will trigger the Engager to react, usually unhealthily, and overly engage their partner.

This cycle can be tiresome and damaging and would benefit from professional support for sure.

GET THERAPY

Getting into therapy is arguable the best move to make to get your partner back. Remember, it takes two for a relationship to work, or not workout but—you can only change yourself.

Even though you may have been hurt, you must focus on your own unhealthy dynamics to avoid repeating them in the future. This is so you will never go through this turmoil again, and be together with your partner forever.

I am talking about you transforming yourself. I assume your partner loves and cares for you, but there are some things restricting your relational health, and they simply must go. The most effective way to make this happen is to get into therapy. Start unpacking what happened to discover new insights and understand your partner better.

After meeting with a therapist for a while, those around you will see greater health, especially your partner who you want to get back!

EXPLORE THE FIGHTS

When I say “Explore the fights”, I mean you dissect the arguments or fights that you had with your significant other. Why? because deep within these conflicts you will discover the boundaries that your partner was trying to establish with you.

Revisit the conflicts and you will really identify what they were trying to say. I am convinced that the ‘writing was on the wall’ the whole time, but it is often difficult to see, especially when things get heated.

This step is key because, if you can understand what your partner was advocating for, you can make the necessary changes. Exploring the fight will reveal the needs of your partner. These are vital boundaries they need you to respect.

These boundaries provide for you access on the “yellow brick road” back into their heart and back into their life. Being able to hear what they want for the first time could be all you need to get back into discussion with your love.

Maybe you could not hear their boundaries because both your conflict resolution skills are more like ‘conflict stimulating’ skills. This brings us to our next step.

HOW TO FIGHT

Have you ever entered an argument with your partner about a specific issue then start arguing about ‘how you are both arguing’?  The reason I know this problem is because it happened to me.  In fact, it happens to all couples.

It happens with all couples because romantic relationships really matter. Show me a couple in a conflict, I’ll show you a couple who really care. In fact, the only time I get really concerned for couples is when they do not get into conflicts.

Without conflict, neither partner is challenged because neither partner must do anything differently to make the relationship work. Relationships where there is no conflict are relationships where nobody cares. If truth be told, there cannot be intimacy without conflict.

When we get into arguments, we should have rules for engagement, or the message will never be effectively and healthily communicated. This leaves the couple with ineffective and unhealthy communication.

If these messages, or boundaries, are ineffectively and unhealthily communicated, then the couple will never be able to hear each other. If they cannot hear each other, they can never meet each other’s needs.

 Some examples of ineffective communication to eliminate immediately are found in John Gottmans, “The Four Horsemen”. These unhealthy communication styles are:

 CRITICISM,             CONTEMPT,            STONE-WALLING,            DEFENSIVENESS.

 If you function in any of the Four Horsemen in your relationships, you are doomed before you begin.  Some examples of how to communicate healthily are also suggested by John Gottman. They are:

 Listen without being defensive,

 Be intentional and specific,

 Avoid mind reading,

 Express negative feelings effectively and,

 Don’t withhold the positive.

 In short, explore how to enter an argument! This leads to healthy boundaries and a safe relationship. This brings us to our fifth and most powerful step…

SUBMIT

Once you have studied ‘the fights’ to understand your partner’s needs, and start negotiating the road to healthier squabbles, then it is time to submit! You might have a problem with the word ‘submit’ as if it describes a weak person who is allowing themselves to be controlled.

On the contrary. Submission is a behavior that is done out of one’s own free will, the person who submits is in control of themselves.

Submission is done out of love and respect for someone or something. It is to say, “I choose to do what you ask, not because you are right, or because I want to, but because I care and love you and never want to lose you again”.

This is Love

This is power, real power, otherwise known as love. You can have thinking that suggests you care for your partner; you also have words that express that you care. Heck, you can even have emotions that express all the above. But nothing is stronger than when you behave like you care for your partner.

Finally, you may have strong emotional thoughts, feelings and words, but the most powerful are—BEHAVIORS.  Behaviors define that which is true about a person.  Observe how someone behaves throughout a day, and you will see exactly who and exactly how they are. Regardless of how they think, feel, or say, behaviors are what is true.

It is time to submit and commit yourself fully to what your partner has been requesting from you.

 NEED MORE?

ARRANGE A PHONE SESSION